Sunday, 6 November 2016

Confession

Well I think it's time I fessed up and told you what happened to me in 2015.I don't like talking about it
as honestly I have still not worked it all out in my head but I'm hoping this will help me 
as well as others.

In December 2014 I started a new job at Premier Inn as a room attendant,just a fancy name
for cleaner lol.My glands in the left side of my neck just under my jaw were swollen and
had been for a couple of months I think looking back but I didn't take much notice as I was busy
looking after my Grandson and starting the new job, I just thought oh it will go on it's own
and there was no pain.In about the February of 2015 it still had not gone and my hearing 
on the left started to get affected.I think i went to the doctors for something else not really
sure now but mentioned about the swollen gland and she felt it and said she would
send me to the hospital for a ultrasound scan, looking back I knew it was something
a bit more serious but pushed it to the back of my mind.I went for the Ultrasound scan
and the Doctor said she wanted to take some blood from my gland with a fine needle
but that I could come back at another appointment if I needed some time to
prepare for it, I could tell though that she really wanted to do it that day so said
It would be okay to do it there and then.I can never really remember all
the dates as they never seemed important but anyway I got an appointment
to go see the ENT Specialist, she sent me for a hearing test and then put a camera up my
nose that went down the back of my throat a little to have a look and then she said the
words I will never forget " I'm really sorry but we found bad cells in the blood that was taken from
the gland in your neck" I said you mean Cancer cells and she just nodded and
said I'm sorry again.I can't really describe how I felt at that moment just can't find the words.
The nurse that was in the room asked if anyone was waiting for me and I said yes my Daughter
who was in the waiting room with my Granddaughter.They went and got her but I couldn't look at her  
when she walked in the room and when I did I could tell she knew from
my face it was something bad,she just kept shaking her head and I nodded.I didn't
want to cry in front of her, I didn't want her to be scared and that was one of the worst things
having to tell all my Kids and Family,seeing the fear on there faces.We left the room and went into
 a corridor I think I had to go somewhere else but can't really remember it's a bit of a blur.I
remember crying in the corridor and a women asking me if i wanted a drink
of water and I said no thank you I'm fine,sounds silly now but I didn't want her 
to feel sorry for me because that made me feel vulnerable and not strong like I wanted to be.
It made me cry more that a complete stranger cared how I was feeling but I
was grateful too because she didn't just walk away she got me a glass of water and
I could tell by her face she cared.On the bus on the way home I was just numb and
everything is a little blurred after that like I was a robot just
doing things on autopilot and I didn't want to tell people as that
would make it more real.Anyway this post is long enough and I
got through the treatment better than I expected, don't get me wrong
it wasn't nice but I wouldn't be here without it lol.I have to have regular
checkups and am very very thankful and the good thing is it has
made me see life differently I'm no longer afraid of a lot
of things I was scared to do before.It's made me see
life's too short.I am glad I can take something positive from it and
try and live every day instead of hiding.


Thank you so much for reading and if I can
help anybody else please get in touch.

Hugs

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